Anxiety..

On a normal day.. 
I usually start the day feeling like I am the ringmaster at a circus. Time to get up, get everyone else up, so they can make the bus to school. Even on days off, it is constant on the go. Thinking on it, most days that the kids are home, there are very few moments of quiet. In those moments, I am assuming that they are getting into trouble or asleep. This is my anxiety filled life. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for my beautiful family.. sometimes I find it very hard to be calm and patient. Currently I take a medication for this, though I have found a few things that I will share here. 

Facial masks- These are fantastic for your face, as long as you get the right kind! The more natural they are, the better. I do like Disco Kitten though! 

100% Extra Virgin Coconut Oil By Shea Moisture- this is a completely organic, head-to-toe moisturizer. It feels absolutely fantastic on your skin, and it doesn't leave any stinging or greasy feeling behind. Perfect for extra sensitive skin! Be aware though, a little goes a very long way, and this product will melt quickly on your skin. I initially got it to use on my legs. I have what is called stasis dermatitis, and it makes the skin very sensitive and can tear easily. This can turn into a nasty, unwanted ulcer that can take weeks to heal. Just another thing that can go along with living your life at a heavier weight. 

Find a keep your hands busy project- this can be anything you desire! I love to sew, and mending things calms me. I do like new projects better, but fixing a teddy bear for one of my littles makes my heart just as happy. Coloring is good too- basically anything that allows you to disconnect while still being present. 

Music- I love a variety of music, so it really depends on the day and the mood. On a crazy day, it is nice to unwind to some classical. I love Chopin, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky.. oh there are just too many to name. For more upbeat days, I listen to decade music, ranging from the 60's to 90's. I do listen to current music as well. Watching my littles dance to a great 80's song brings on the smiles :) 

Meditation- For complete alone time, I love to do this. It doesn't take very long to do, so it can even be just a 15 minute "mommy time out." 

I am sure I will think of more things after I am finished with this- always happens :) I need to go to sleep so that I can start my circus again tomorrow! Until next time...

You are beautiful and worthy~

Coming out of my shell

Just breathe...

For those that know me well, they know that writing down anything to do with my daily life (struggles included) is a very hard thing for me to do. I have extreme anxiety, and I am over- critical.. but to be honest- that is just the start of it. I was inspired by my loving family to start this blog- something that I probably should have started long ago. I hesitated because it is me putting pieces of myself out there.. making me feel vulnerable, and afraid that I will be judged. Looking at the hard facts, however, we all judge.. even when we don't want to or don't even realize it. For someone that is hyper sensitive and aware of others' words and stares, it makes life a struggle. Breaking free of this armored shell is what I WILL DO. I am determined to break free from my self- made prison. In this series of blogs, I may tend to ramble and my thoughts will probably dart from subject to subject- just a side effect of my quirky brain. :) My journey through weight loss and everything that comes with it will be here as well, as this is a large part of my life.

So we begin..

Many trips to the doctor begin with the dreaded weight check. I have been up and down with my weight for years, though in the beginning of this journey, I was the heaviest that I have ever been. I stood on the scale, looking away from the numbers, begging the nurse not to tell me my weight. When she tells me to step off, I secretly look at the number she has written, and my heart sinks. I fall instantly into a deeper depression, feeling like I am climbing Mount Everest without oxygen. I tell my husband not to look, feeling so embarrassed that I was this heavy. As we go back to the room, I am looking at the ground- a place that I have been looking for the majority of my life. When the doctor comes in, we discuss weight loss.. I tell her that I want to lose weight, but I just can't. The excuses begin. I have a lot of pain issues that prevent me from doing a lot, yes. None of these should stop me, given the right diet and light exercise in the beginning, and medicine to manage my pain until I can tolerate it. I start by eliminating soda from my diet. I am not a drinker or smoker anymore, so those will not come into play for me. I setup my appointments with Bariatric Solutions. I start with medicine, which fails because I have an extreme allergic reaction to it. By the time my next appointment is here, I have already lost some weight from ditching soda. I find myself stunned by this, but feel set back because I don't want surgery at this point, and the doctor tells me she doesn't know what to do to help me. Hopelessness ensues. I start therapy, as is mandated by the program I am now part of. This is where my transformation truly begins. I discover that I have an eating disorder- a general disdain for food that started with a voice in my head telling me that I don't deserve to eat. The beginning of it all, is that I have to eat. Irony at its finest. What I was doing was starving myself. At this point, I didn't even hear that voice anymore. I would eat, yes, but I was not eating the right things, or getting enough calories. When you do this, eating turns into a necessary loading of the proverbial hump. Your body doesn't know when it will have another meal, so it stores what would be energy into fat instead.

My amazing therapist helped me to realize what I was doing, and how I was standing on my own feet. The ONLY person that can change this? ME. I had to let go of my fear of failure to be able to grab my life, which was fading slowly. Breaking through all of my walls was going to be tough, but I was finally ready. 

I hope that whoever is reading this, no matter whether they are at the start or nearing the finish line- will be able to know and understand that they are not alone. I am right here with you.

Love yourself~